'Baywatch' Review: What the f*** did I just watch!

What a shame to take this charming cast and surround them in a sea of stale jokes and sub-sitcom-level plot twists in a remake that reads as a complete missed opportunity.

There are a few moments when Baywatch seems to have a sense of humor about its cheesy origins and the silliness of a remake. I.e. lifeguards who sneak into a fancy party in order to catch a drug dealer... It sounds like the plot of a "far-fetched TV show" (if you know what I mean). But such ironic high points are few and far between in this comedy that reaches for "escapist summer humor" but instead lands on "embarrassment for all involved." Even The Rock can't make us love a movie with three running jokes about penises, none of which is funny or original. 

But it's other issues that render this movie icky, rather than just bland and forgettable: The female characters are sidelined, given little to do besides run slowly up and down the beach and smile patiently as the camera (and every male character onscreen) ogles their bodies. The most they're given to do during the movie's frequent CGI-heavy danger-and-rescue scenes is idle a boat in the water to wait for their male coworkers to finish the heroics. Worse, one male character is frequently called "princess" or "bitch," and a coworker records a video of him touching the penis of a dead man (The Office's Oscar Nunez, which makes the scene even weirder for fans of that show). Ha ha, like he's gay, see? Because that's funny. And it's a dead guy's penis, so that's funny, too. Right? Right? Hey, where are you going? No thanks, movie.