HERE'S MY TOP 14 SUMMER MOVIES OF 2017 YOU NEED TO SEE IN THE CINEMA!
When the blistering heat kicks in this summer, what do you do? Well I'm going to tell you what to do: You are going to reserve yourself a seat at your local cinema for the entirety of summer as we have a metric ton of kickass films coming to the big screens!
Now let me take you on a rundown of all the reasons why you should do as I say:
Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2 (May 5, 2017): Everyone’s favorite gang of intergalactic a-holes are back with some sweet throwback tunes, the continuing adventures of Baby Groot, and Kurt Russell as a sentient planet who definitely absolutely one hundred percent has a wiener. The sequel has some massive expectations to live up to, but then again it also has 100 percent more Sylvester Stallone than the first one and if the MCU was in desperate need of one thing, it was a Tango & Cash reunion.
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (May 12, 2017): Look, I was just as surprised as the next person when I read that Guy Ritchie was going to try his hand at bringing Arthurian legend to life on the big screen with Charlie Hunnam in the starring role. But the Knights of the Round Table seem uniquely suited for a modern action-adventure franchise, so my fingers are crossed that this film is a worthy heir to the throne.
Alien: Covenant (May 19, 2017): Back before Ripley burst onto the scene, the Xenomorphs were but wee-no-morphs, which is not a cute term for a boner, and a human colonization mission went awry. Alien: Covenant is the story of that mission, which–spoiler alert–probably won’t end well for our intrepid crew. But considering our intrepid crew now contains Danny McBride as Space Kenny Powers, you’d better strap on your goddamn boots and get your butt to a cinema for a chestbursting’ good time. Top pick!
Baywatch (May 25, 2017): Finally a film is putting the old maxim of “anything David Hasselhoff can do, The Rock can do better” to the test. The 1990s TV series gets a raunchy, R-rated reboot with a cast including Zac Efron, Priyanka Chopra, Alexandra Daddario, and more. Expect plenty of dick jokes and copious amounts of slow motion running.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (May 25, 2017): Just when you thought it was safe to buy rum again, Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) returns as a walking cautionary tale against the demon liquor’s foul influence. This time, Jack Sparrow finds himself targeted by his old nemesis Captain Armando Salazar (Javier Bardem), an undead pirate hunter with a ghostly crew and a plan to murder every pirate on the open sea.
War Machine (May 26, 2017): No, this isn’t the Don Cheadle solo Marvel movie you’ve been waiting for; rather, this is Australian writer-director David Michôd’s absurdist war dramedy about Brad Pitt as a vainglorious American general in Afghanistan who gets caught up in a journalistic exposé.
Wonder Woman (June 2): After kicking ass, taking names, and occasionally using some Themiscyran chiroprachty on Maxwell Lord for the past 75 years, it’s about time that Wonder Woman gets her own feature film. Diana of Themiscyra is one of the best parts of the DCEU, and she’s taking us back to Dubya Dubya One for what looks like it’s going to be a brutal battle against the god of war himself, Ares. Come for the bullet-deflecting and leg-sweeping, but stay for the invisible jet. Seriously, though, where is it? I need to see this damn jet.
The Mummy (June 9): While this movie may lack the Brendan Fraser many Egyptologists believe is required for a successful Mummy film, The Mummydoes have a secret ingredient that can save otherwise ill-advised action films: Tom Cruise. This movie has Tom Cruise running! Tom Cruise screaming! Tom Cruise coming back from the dead! And it has Sofia Boutella, the amazing sword-legs girl from Kingsman, as the Mummy herself. Will the Rock be in the post-credits sequence for a Scorpion King cameo? Probably not, but not all dreams were meant to come true I guess. Top pick!
Baby Driver (June 28): If you only see one film about a getaway driver suffering from tinnitus this summer, make it Baby Driver. Edgar Wright’s musical masterpiece feels like a throwback to heist movies of yesteryear but infused with his unique sense of humor. Boasting the best soundtrack in ages, too, Baby Driver deserves a parking spot in your heart. Shitty jokes aside, this movie looks like a hell of a lot of fun and features some of the best stunt driving in recent memory.
Spider-Man: Homecoming (July 7): Either my Spidey-Sense is tingling or I need to see a doctor, but I’ve got a feeling that Spider-Man: Homecoming is going to blow me away. Or at the very least, it’ll be really enjoyable. Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man swings back into theaters for his third iteration in 15 years, with Michael Keaton as Vulture, a guest appearance by Tony Stark himself, and us finally not having to see poor sweet Uncle Ben die on camera. Which is great news for everyone but Stan Lee, who once famously said, “I invented Spider-Man…just to take his uncle away again and again.
War for the Planet of the Apes (July 14): The fact that the new generation of Planet of the Apes movies are actually really, really good is straight up bananas. But the only monkey business you’ll find in this movie is an increasingly dystopian world in which the last vestiges of humanity must band together against an increasingly intelligent army of apes. To be fair, we did kind of draw first blood, but also apes are scary as hell up close.
Dunkirk (July 21): This summer, have some Funkirk with Christopher Nolan, short-hair Harry Styles, and the cast of Dunkirk, a sweeping World War II drama about the Battle of Dunkirk, in which more than 330,000 Allied soldiers managed to evacuate from the beaches of Dunkirk, France after being cut off by the German army. And honestly, is there any better way to experience the brutality and horrors of war than on IMAX as envisioned by Christopher Nolan and shot by Hoyte van Hoytema? If there is, I don’t want to know because that sounds way too intense man.
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (July 21): The comic that Star Wars shamelessly stole from and that The Fifth Element was deeply influenced by is now getting a major motion picture adaptation from the director of The Fifth Element, Luc Besson. This movie about two spacetime cops, Valerian and Laureline, played by Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne, looks gloriously weird with dozens of alien species, Ethan Hawke as a creepy cabaret pimp, and a tiny critter that can poop out copies of whatever it eats. Don’t you wish that YOUR butt could do that? The answer is yes, we all wish that (obviously). But the only way to make that dream come true is to watch Luc Besson’s vision of it in Valerian this summer.
Atomic Blonde (July 28): Imagine that if instead of Keanu Reeves playing a bereaved dog owner/the world’s deadliest hitman in John Wick, it was Charlize Theron in the role as a brutal blonde assassin who turned all her opponents into a fine, red mist? Well, you don’t have to imagine because not only do we get John Wick with Keanu, but Atomic Blonde with Charlize Theron as well. The movie stars Theron as an elite MI-6 agent sent to Berlin on an impossible mission, which is a bit confusing because we know that nothing is impossible for Theron after seeing her in Mad Max: Fury Road. AND it’s directed by John Wick co-director and Deadpool 2director David Leitch, so those three films will basically be fu**ing insane!
Now let me take you on a rundown of all the reasons why you should do as I say:
Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2 (May 5, 2017): Everyone’s favorite gang of intergalactic a-holes are back with some sweet throwback tunes, the continuing adventures of Baby Groot, and Kurt Russell as a sentient planet who definitely absolutely one hundred percent has a wiener. The sequel has some massive expectations to live up to, but then again it also has 100 percent more Sylvester Stallone than the first one and if the MCU was in desperate need of one thing, it was a Tango & Cash reunion.
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (May 12, 2017): Look, I was just as surprised as the next person when I read that Guy Ritchie was going to try his hand at bringing Arthurian legend to life on the big screen with Charlie Hunnam in the starring role. But the Knights of the Round Table seem uniquely suited for a modern action-adventure franchise, so my fingers are crossed that this film is a worthy heir to the throne.
Alien: Covenant (May 19, 2017): Back before Ripley burst onto the scene, the Xenomorphs were but wee-no-morphs, which is not a cute term for a boner, and a human colonization mission went awry. Alien: Covenant is the story of that mission, which–spoiler alert–probably won’t end well for our intrepid crew. But considering our intrepid crew now contains Danny McBride as Space Kenny Powers, you’d better strap on your goddamn boots and get your butt to a cinema for a chestbursting’ good time. Top pick!
Baywatch (May 25, 2017): Finally a film is putting the old maxim of “anything David Hasselhoff can do, The Rock can do better” to the test. The 1990s TV series gets a raunchy, R-rated reboot with a cast including Zac Efron, Priyanka Chopra, Alexandra Daddario, and more. Expect plenty of dick jokes and copious amounts of slow motion running.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (May 25, 2017): Just when you thought it was safe to buy rum again, Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) returns as a walking cautionary tale against the demon liquor’s foul influence. This time, Jack Sparrow finds himself targeted by his old nemesis Captain Armando Salazar (Javier Bardem), an undead pirate hunter with a ghostly crew and a plan to murder every pirate on the open sea.
War Machine (May 26, 2017): No, this isn’t the Don Cheadle solo Marvel movie you’ve been waiting for; rather, this is Australian writer-director David Michôd’s absurdist war dramedy about Brad Pitt as a vainglorious American general in Afghanistan who gets caught up in a journalistic exposé.
Wonder Woman (June 2): After kicking ass, taking names, and occasionally using some Themiscyran chiroprachty on Maxwell Lord for the past 75 years, it’s about time that Wonder Woman gets her own feature film. Diana of Themiscyra is one of the best parts of the DCEU, and she’s taking us back to Dubya Dubya One for what looks like it’s going to be a brutal battle against the god of war himself, Ares. Come for the bullet-deflecting and leg-sweeping, but stay for the invisible jet. Seriously, though, where is it? I need to see this damn jet.
The Mummy (June 9): While this movie may lack the Brendan Fraser many Egyptologists believe is required for a successful Mummy film, The Mummydoes have a secret ingredient that can save otherwise ill-advised action films: Tom Cruise. This movie has Tom Cruise running! Tom Cruise screaming! Tom Cruise coming back from the dead! And it has Sofia Boutella, the amazing sword-legs girl from Kingsman, as the Mummy herself. Will the Rock be in the post-credits sequence for a Scorpion King cameo? Probably not, but not all dreams were meant to come true I guess. Top pick!
Baby Driver (June 28): If you only see one film about a getaway driver suffering from tinnitus this summer, make it Baby Driver. Edgar Wright’s musical masterpiece feels like a throwback to heist movies of yesteryear but infused with his unique sense of humor. Boasting the best soundtrack in ages, too, Baby Driver deserves a parking spot in your heart. Shitty jokes aside, this movie looks like a hell of a lot of fun and features some of the best stunt driving in recent memory.
Spider-Man: Homecoming (July 7): Either my Spidey-Sense is tingling or I need to see a doctor, but I’ve got a feeling that Spider-Man: Homecoming is going to blow me away. Or at the very least, it’ll be really enjoyable. Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man swings back into theaters for his third iteration in 15 years, with Michael Keaton as Vulture, a guest appearance by Tony Stark himself, and us finally not having to see poor sweet Uncle Ben die on camera. Which is great news for everyone but Stan Lee, who once famously said, “I invented Spider-Man…just to take his uncle away again and again.
War for the Planet of the Apes (July 14): The fact that the new generation of Planet of the Apes movies are actually really, really good is straight up bananas. But the only monkey business you’ll find in this movie is an increasingly dystopian world in which the last vestiges of humanity must band together against an increasingly intelligent army of apes. To be fair, we did kind of draw first blood, but also apes are scary as hell up close.
Dunkirk (July 21): This summer, have some Funkirk with Christopher Nolan, short-hair Harry Styles, and the cast of Dunkirk, a sweeping World War II drama about the Battle of Dunkirk, in which more than 330,000 Allied soldiers managed to evacuate from the beaches of Dunkirk, France after being cut off by the German army. And honestly, is there any better way to experience the brutality and horrors of war than on IMAX as envisioned by Christopher Nolan and shot by Hoyte van Hoytema? If there is, I don’t want to know because that sounds way too intense man.
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (July 21): The comic that Star Wars shamelessly stole from and that The Fifth Element was deeply influenced by is now getting a major motion picture adaptation from the director of The Fifth Element, Luc Besson. This movie about two spacetime cops, Valerian and Laureline, played by Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne, looks gloriously weird with dozens of alien species, Ethan Hawke as a creepy cabaret pimp, and a tiny critter that can poop out copies of whatever it eats. Don’t you wish that YOUR butt could do that? The answer is yes, we all wish that (obviously). But the only way to make that dream come true is to watch Luc Besson’s vision of it in Valerian this summer.
Atomic Blonde (July 28): Imagine that if instead of Keanu Reeves playing a bereaved dog owner/the world’s deadliest hitman in John Wick, it was Charlize Theron in the role as a brutal blonde assassin who turned all her opponents into a fine, red mist? Well, you don’t have to imagine because not only do we get John Wick with Keanu, but Atomic Blonde with Charlize Theron as well. The movie stars Theron as an elite MI-6 agent sent to Berlin on an impossible mission, which is a bit confusing because we know that nothing is impossible for Theron after seeing her in Mad Max: Fury Road. AND it’s directed by John Wick co-director and Deadpool 2director David Leitch, so those three films will basically be fu**ing insane!
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